Monday, September 15, 2014

I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a runner


This post is going to be all about my thoughts. I won’t be offering any advice, or be sharing any recipes. I am going to try to express myself in a way my limited vocabulary will allow. I am not a professional writer or blogger. I am very busy, but find joy in all things TMI. I have been an over share-er my whole life. I enjoy expressing myself and connecting with other people that may have similar thoughts.  I also enjoy learning more about people with very different views. I am a people person, and love to talk about life. I am sure every post I write will have grammar and spelling errors. I can hardly find time to blog, let alone pour hours over editing. But I don’t want to let the fear of showing my imperfections stop me from doing something that I have found joy in these past few months. Especially with my recent surgery, I have a LOT more time on my hands. I can’t run, or even work (since my job is group fitness)…so I may as well write! Not all of my posts will be like this. I am in a self discovery; tell all mood (injuries seem to do that to me). So here goes!  It’s all about my thoughts on becoming a wife, becoming a mother, and still being a runner.

My cute barf baby Zane!
I often wished I was a mom that was fulfilled by all things motherhood.  To be honest, I really kind of hate lots to do with it. Gasp! Ahhh, I am an awful mother, who could ever say such a thing?! I know that to be completely false. I know that I am a very good mother. I love my 2 boys with every single ounce of my soul. I would do anything for them. I am their mama bear of protection. They have my whole heart. I am grateful for them every single day. I can’t imagine my life without them. I know more about selfless love than I ever knew possible.  Sometimes I have confused my feelings with not liking “motherhood things” with being a bad mom.  I have shared much about that on my Instagram family page.  Through journaling, and writing, I have been able to understand my feelings and differentiate between the two.  I don’t like lots of things that are stereotyped with being a stay-at-home mom, but I do know I love being a mother. I suffered from extreme postpartum depression and anxiety.  I really hesitate even talking about this because I don’t even like to reflect on who I was at that time. But I talk about it in hopes that it can help any other moms struggling with PPD. I hated feeling claustrophobic and stuck to the house during nap time. I hated being on a rigid schedule. I hated that I started to resent my husband when he got to leave for work or got to sleep. I hated mommy and me groups where all everyone talked about was milestones and birthing stories. But what bothered me most, is I hated myself for having these feelings. I never hated my boys. Not even once. And I also never regretted having them. I loved them more than I ever knew was possible! So what was wrong with me? Why did I have to have such conflicting feelings that were making me feel crazy???  

Let's rewind a bit...To tell you a little bit about my personality:  Growing up I did student government every year. I loved being involved in as many clubs, sports, and activities as possible. I always got excellent grades. I loved being up on stage during assemblies. I loved the crowds at football games. My friends and family were my whole world.  I grew up as an only girl with brothers. I would consider myself a feminist in the way that I felt the need to prove that I could do anything they did. That being a woman would never hold me back from achieving everything I ever wanted.  I just expected a lot from myself, and thrived when accomplishing things. I went into college with a leadership and sports scholarship at Southern Utah University. I became captain of my college soccer team. I was the NCAA woman’s representative for our school. I loved nothing more than living with roommates who became my best friends. I loved every minute of the bonding that goes with team sports. I went to all the campus activities. I loved my freedom. I continued to get straight A’s in college.  

After college I wasn't ready to settle down. I moved in with more friends and started teaching 4th grade. I continued to love my freedom. I went out every night.  I was involved with work friends, my church group; I held many leadership roles and truly was happy. I started running marathons because soccer didn't consume my whole life anymore. I began teaching fitness classes, picked up mountain biking, tennis, volleyball, coed softball, hiking, and basically ANYTHING that involved being around people and being active! Most of my friends had started getting married and settling down with families.  I still thought relationships were suffocating. One could say I was a hot mess, but it was just who I was.  I often wanted to be someone who could be more selfless and giving. I wanted to be like some of my friends who found their joy from settling down. However, I just wanted to rule world with friends by my side, not a man. All until I met Nate, the love of my life. I couldn't help myself, I fell in love. This freaked me out more than he or even I knew at the time. To say our first year was rough would be a little understatement. Was it all bad times? Absolutely not! I loved my husband dearly. It was just a huge adjustment for me. We moved to Arizona right off our Honeymoon. I didn't know a soul. My family, friends, and former life were still in Utah. I started teaching right away, and Nate started school. We both were runners before we were married. It was more of a hobby than a way of life at that time.   I knew I wanted kids. I couldn't wait to be a mom. I had no idea how hard it would be for me mentally.

 Just like marriage, it was a big adjustment for me transitioning into motherhood. I wanted to be the one to care for my kids so I was fortunate to be able to quit my job.  But becoming a stay at home mom was hard. Very hard!  Just like everything else in my life, I wanted to attack parenthood with all that I had. I wanted to “win” it! Only thing is, almost everything is out of your control. No matter how much you research, plan, or love your baby…you have no control over most of it! Even if you are trying your best, your baby may not sleep. Your baby will cry. Your baby will poop everywhere. Your baby will steal your heart. But I started to lose what made me tick in the process. I spent any extra hours when my baby finally slept searching online for what I could be doing better. I signed up for sewing lessons because moms are “supposed” to know how to sew for their kids, right? I purchased these crazy pots and pans thinking it would turn me into a homemaker/cook. Only good moms know how to cook, right?! How could I love my baby so much, but hate everything I was turning into? I lost myself in the process. I didn't trust myself. And when it came down to it, I just wasn't prepared. It was no longer just all about me and what I wanted. What I later realized is that being a mother turned me into a different me, and you know what, that is okay. It’s all about growth! I had to learn to be honest with myself. Did I really want to learn to sew? Heck no! Did I want to scrapbook? Never again. I am still learning to be okay with that. I am learning to not be jealous of others who so naturally took on that homemaker/motherhood role.  Motherhood made me more understanding, less judgmental, more patient, and loving. Let’s be honest, any moms out there know the list goes on and on. But I still hated parts of my life; I felt like a maid, I didn't like the responsibilities that came with growing up. I missed the feeling of not leading the masses, or being on stage.  I missed that feeling of personal growth.

This is where I believe running saved me. Sounds super cheesy! But it did. Racing more gave me something to work for. I could set goals and see growth. I learned that is still okay to be human after you become a parent. It is okay to want something for yourself. In fact, I now believe it is healthy for kids to see you are still a person. That you still have hopes, and dreams. It would be a disservice to grow up believing the whole world is all about you.  I discovered I could still give my all to my kids and carve out a little time for self growth. I developed deeper friendships and bonds with other runners. I am such a social person and always cherished that bond that came from team sports. It is something that I really don’t have to words to explain. I started to find that again through running.  I made lots of friends at my gym. I decided to re-certify and start working part time teaching fitness classes. Working a measly 4 hours a week did a lot for me mentally. I began seeing growth in my marriage and parenting. I had the sense to let go of who I thought I was supposed to be, to just be myself.  My crazy, loving, over achieving, social self.  Running brought me a new contentment to life.  This happiness overflowed into my marriage and into my parenting. When you are truly happy and content, it affects every part of your life. For those that question how we can find the time for so much exercise and still be good parents should see what it would be like for us without it. In my heart of hearts I know my kids have not suffered because of the fact that I like to run and go to the gym. I do know my whole family would've suffered if I stayed depressed and miserable. Running gives me a passion for life. It gives me more energy. It makes me feel young. It refreshes me, so that when I am done I am stronger physically and mentally to take care of my family. It is a bonding passion my family shares. My boys don’t suffer when I wake up to run before they even wake up. They don’t suffer by spending time in the running stroller with me. They don’t suffer if we get a babysitter for two hours so that Nate and I can get precious time as a couple.  So even if they spend an hour in the gym daycare (which they love). I still am home to feed them breakfast, lunch, & dinner. I still have many, many hours to play with them in between. If I don’t leave the house or do something that is just for me, then I go crazy. Call me selfish. But I call it finally understanding who I am, and what I need to be a better mom.

10K Turkey Trot. First Race with both babies. The double stroller adventures had begun!

My boys are best friends. My husband is working hard to get back into school. We have our ups and downs, but when it comes down to it, I have a lot of peace and contentment in my life right now. I am amazed that I am at a place where I can say that! I just had surgery that is keeping me sidelined from my passion for many months. I feel blessed that I was at a strong enough point mentally the surgery hasn't completely crushed me. I am trying my hardest to not slip back into the depression I experienced as a new mom. Yes it will be a long road. I wouldn't be doing so well without the incredible support of my hubby, our extended family, and good friends. And even the support of social media. Funny to say that, but many friends I have met through the running community have been from social media. They have been nothing but a positive support. I am at a good place mentally to know that this will not defeat me. I without a doubt know I will get through this.  It is really hard to not know which direction my life is going to go after I get back onto my feet. Will we try to add to our family? Will we be moving if Nate gets accepted to school? Remember the old days when the game MASH planned our lives so perfectly for us?!  I knew from MASH that all I wanted was 5 kids, living in a mansion, married to my favorite Dodger baseball player Steve Sax. If only it was really that simple! I know that I don’t want to do something because I think it’s what I am “supposed” to do. I learned that lesson from my sewing days! I guess all you can do is trust in yourself, and turn to God for guidance when it comes to making big decisions.  And keep moving forward with faith.


I am grateful to be a mother. I love being a wife. And I hope to always be a runner. 

21 comments:

  1. Great post...sometimes the ones that you just spill your guts are the most poignant ones! I think you (and Nate) are great parents! And your kids are a hoot!

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    1. Thanks Shane! Glad you get a kick out of my crazy kids too!

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  2. I LOVE this post Michelle!!! Your honesty is so refreshing!!! And wow I can relate to you on so many levels!! I don't have kids yet but I get the not liking the "mommy" stuff. I know that kids are in my future, but I have a hard time seeing them in my present - if that makes sense. I keep thinking (selfishly) that my life as I know it with my husband will be "over" in a sense. I love having freedom to do what I want to do, being spontaneous, traveling when I want, spending as much alone time as I want with my hubby etc. Not to mention what it's going to do to my body that I work so hard to keep in shape!! When I walk into Babies R US to buy a baby shower gift, I literally cringe. There is so much crazy stuff in there and it freaks me out hahaha! When did having a kid get so darn complicated?! You are so right by the way, being a great mom is about loving your kiddos with all of your soul and not worrying about whether you can sew or not! Sometimes I do get bogged down with the idea of the not fun stuff of motherhood (diapers and barf lol), but then I really do see the joy of it too! Making a mini version of myself and my hubby sounds wonderful lol! And when they get old enough, I could totally see them going on hiking adventures WITH us and cooking WITH me in the kitchen! I definitely know that even though it will take a significant amount of sacrifices to raise kids, I also know that it will help us grow as people and bring so much MORE love into our current lives!
    Again, thanks for sharing this! I bet lots of people (moms and non-moms alike) will totally relate to this!!! :)

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    1. Thx so much for your comment! It's seems like you have at least put a lot of thought into having kids. I jumped into it blindly and couldn't believe how much it rocked my world. I told myself I had to change to be a good mom & am so glad I finally came to terms with myself that it didn't need to be the case. I think you would be an amazing mother when/if you decide to have kids. Stay true to who you are and make time for yourself! The sacrifice

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    2. Opps, I sent the reply too soon... Anyway, I felt the sacrifices that were made with less time, less freedom, and change in body all felt like a pleasure instead of a sacrifice once I saw all the boys taught me and helped me grow. As hard as it was, it truly was worth it for me. Even if I had to learn the hard way!

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    3. Thanks Michelle! We definitely have put a lot of thought into it! It's reassuring to know that I won't necessarily have to lose myself in order to be a great mom like you! I'm sure when it happens one day, it'll all work out and like you said, the sacrifices won't feel like sacrifices over time!

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  3. You are an amazing mother Michelle! I think we all struggle with thinking we have to be a "Pinterest" mom. Who has time for that? We all do what works for us and our families. I love you and can't wait until you come visit again so we can get together. I'll totally wear a slutty dress and go to dinner with you! ;) Love, Jill

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    1. lol YES! We need a risque night out on the town so everyone can think we are wild moms! Can't wait to visit again! Miss you!

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  4. I love this post, Mich! I had so many of the same feelings...and still struggle. I think it comes back to the competitive side...the drive...and the life we once lived. It's hard to let it all go. I have gone back to work full time (from home) and still run each day... while my husband is in DO school. As hard as it is some days, I think it has made me love my kids more and not resent my husband. This post reminded me that people are all different, yet some of us are so alike and it's okay to lean on one another while we struggle through...hang in there! You can do hard things.

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    1. I miss you tons Meesh! I still struggle with it lots too. I do feel more balanced now for the first time in a while, but I'd be lying if i said it wasn't a daily struggle. For me it seemed to get easier as the boys got a little older and independent. I am glad you just get it! It was a big change to transition from college to motherhood for me! I am glad you get to run everyday to and have that outlet.

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  5. Oh my gosh Michelle! I love this! Tears in my eyes, love this! I wish I had gotten to know you better when we were neighbors. I always thought you were SO cool. To cool for me, I thought of you as the PERFECT mom! You had a degree, a job, beautiful bleached hair, AND you were sexy and fit! You are an amazing person! I certainly don't think you are a bad person for taking time for your self to run, I agree, you should! I think every mom needs her "thing" to remember she has an identity other than "mom". Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I wish you the best in your recovery! ❤️❤️

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    1. Awe, you are so so kind! I can't believe it's been 5 years since we all lived on the base! It really seems like just yesterday, and other times it feels like a lifetime ago! And oh goodness, you are to nice to think I was a perfect mom...so not even that category. I am so hard on myself when it comes to being a mom and feel so inadequate at times! I am trying to learn to be more comfortable in my own skin. And I def agree with you, no matter if it is running or crafting or reading, it's so nice for mom's to still have a niche! Where are you guys living these days?!

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  6. Hello, I'm new to your site but a fellow Arizona Runner/Blogger. While I'm not a mama to human kiddos there's so much I can identify with in your post. So often my husband and I find ourselves not fitting into the 'mold' of what others are doing...and that's when we remind ourselves that it's working for us so who cares. Happy to see you're proud of the life you have created not only for yourself but for your family. Everyone is better because of it. Wishing you the best with recovery and I hope to see you at a local race or meet up soon!

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    1. Thanks for your comment! It's so comforting to know that others can relate! What part of AZ are you?! Have you heard of the new run group RunEatTweetAZ? It's a bunch of locals that also love social media. They have Bi-monthly meetups. They do a run/hike/or some exercise and always followed by brunch of some sort! It would be great to meet you there or even at a local race!

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  7. Excellent post Michelle. I had tears at points and just felt like hugging you at others. I think everyone will be able to relate to this post. <3

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    1. Thanks so much Corine! I still can't believe how much change I have grown through in the last 5 years. I never had an ounce of depression or much to worry about and once I had my boys it was like my whole world got rocked. I thought I needed to change who I was to be a good mom. I still struggle with this lots, but hope to keep trying to seek that balance and contentment.

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  8. This is why I think you're amazing Michelle! We will be getting married soon & have been talking often about when kids will enter into our lives, God willing. I have been struggling with thoughts of how I will manage having children. I still feel so selfish in so many ways & am not willing to give up many things that I enjoy in order to be that "perfect mom". I feel that if I do, I will be doing an injustice to my children if I do not do that things that make me the happiest. I have watched many of my friends have children & not continue to do the things they love. I don't even relate to them anymore. My mom was amazing & she stopped her lives for us. I feel though that she never truly found herself. I have been gone for almost 10 years, she is still struggling with us being out of the home. I would have turned out just fine if she had taken time each week to find what made her smile. Thank you so much for your refreshingly honest post. It literally came at the perfect time for me! I thought about this so much yesterday!

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    1. Thanks for thinking of me Kendra! I hope if you guys do decided to have children and are blessed with babies you will talk to me all about it. I will message you my number so you can text me anytime. My mom did the same thing! Everything was about the kids. She never took time for herself outside of working. I think she felt bad that she worked (She taught school so was home when we were), so after school she bent over backwards for us kids. My dad raced during my whole childhood and I never once thought he wasn't there for us. If anything it made me so so proud of him. He still showed up to every one of our games and took me to all my events. But I saw the way my parents gave up everything for us and so when I first had kids I thought I needed to do the same. I totally lost myself in the process. And most of all, when I did run or workout I would feel guilty about it. I have to try to remember that it's okay to not do it all. And that it's okay to still be myself and still be a mom. Thanks for sharing that story about your parents too. We really have so much in common! You are like my soul sister that I haven't officially met!

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  9. We are definitely have so much in common! Arizona & Ohio need to be way closer so us soul sisters can meet! Definitely message me your number on Facebook, or I will message you mine. Would love to keep in touch over more than just IG!

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  10. Hi Michelle. I randomly stumbled across this through instagram when looking at trail running pictures. Then I realized you were my instructor from the "not really cardio kickboxing" class THAT I LOVED at my gym. This blog is wonderful. This post is so right on. I stay home with my kids (4 and 18 months) most days and while I love them dearly, this was having a very negative impact on me. I was crabby, short fused, and blah. I decided to give running another try and this time around its been a life saver. It is my time to clear my head, focus on personal goals and get healthy. I think many people around me think it's about weight loss and vanity and that I'm "leaving my kids" for those reasons and they really have no idea what it does for me mentally. I just wanted to share that it was nice to read something that I could connect to and I hope your injury heals quickly and you can get back on the trails! All the best.

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    1. Oh my goodness how funny that you found me that way! I miss that class so much! I LOVE that you called it the "not really kb class!" They totally needed to re-name it for me! I am SOOOO glad that you have found something to help give you some much needed mommy time. It is so nice to know that other people can relate!

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